HOLY SHIRT! AKA WHY YOU SHOULD WEAR THE RIGHT DEODORANT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3GE2kYHy4w

Apparently, #StressSweat smells worse than heat and activity sweat.  I’d seen these commercials many times, but never paid attention to them.  After all, I don’t sweat. My friends make fun of me calling me a Cyborg.  I do yoga, cardio, weights, go to the beach, have sex… oh wait, scratch that last one (can’t remember the last time that happened.. but I know I didn’t sweat).. no sweat.  Maybe it’s the Ladies’ Mitchum, but I don’t think so.  I just don’t sweat so I ignored the Secret commercials.  That was, not until “it” happened…

When I last left you, I was on the fence about what to do about Edward. My gut was saying that I was just not that into him (hmmm… sounds like a future date post) but I wanted to go home, be in my own surroundings, and reflect.  The stress of the situation may have made it difficult to get past the circumstances and determine if I wanted to see him again.

So, I waited.  Edward kept with our routine, texting and calling me.  I didn’t take his calls, but I did text him back, though not always right away.  I noticed I wasn’t feeling excited to get them as I had before we met. That’s how I knew it was not right.  A week went by, and when he texted me Sunday about making plans to fly down and see me the following week, I knew I had to call him immediately and end it.   This guy was in 5th gear and I was about to bring him to a grinding halt.

I asked my assistant (Siri) to dial him, and that’s when it started.  Sweat pouring out of my armpits.  Being inexperienced with perspiration, I became focused on what was now soaking my tank top instead of focusing on the conversation that Edward was having on the other end of my phone.  Good thing Siri was listening because I was both shocked and amused by the amount of wetness being generated by the knowledge that I was about to end things with this guy who was talking a mile a minute about everything he’d done in the past week.  I couldn’t get a word in which was fine because I was far more engrossed in my armpit phenomenon.  And then the way you ‘hear your name at a crowded party’ I heard him say, so I’m moving into the city next week but I’m going to make reservations to come down for two days and-”

“Edward!” I interrupted, as I noticed that stress sweat does in fact have an oder, “I don’t think you should come down here.  I think we are at two different places and you are moving way too fast for me.  (Then I quoted Ray.. see? I do listen to you all.) I had a great time and I’m flattered that you did everything to make it special… but I don’t have the same feelings as you, and I don’t want to string you along trying to figure out if it is going to work.  I don’t believe it is.  And I doubt you need anymore friends, but I do think you are a wonderful person.”

To which he responded, “I appreciate you being honest and not dragging it out.  I wish you the best in everything, and I’ll talk to you soon.”

And then we hung up.  And then I got a whiff of my pits and DANG! Stress sweat DOES STINK!!! I was ripe! I’m talking, I smelled like an A-list movie star who doesn’t use deodorant and thinks he doesn’t have to shower because he’s hot and then comes to the gym and smells the whole place up (you know who you are!) Here’s my Tweetable for the week:

“Who knew that breaking up required a shower?”-@50FirstDatesG

By the way, between Edward and Happy Gilmore, these were the two most mature guys I ever broke up with.  No discussion, no negotiation, just a “thanks for being honest, and good luck.”

Granted, Edward added the “talk to you soon,” but that was clearly out of habit because I have not heard from him.

I have been in touch with George (the soccer player). He makes me laugh and is very empathetic on football day him being a Dolphins fan and me being a Giants fan.  He’s been doing his weekly consoling which has helped.

I’ll be traveling for the next three weeks, but when I get back, I look forward to setting up date number 3 with him.