50 First Dates Girl was an inspired idea, or so it felt. I’m one of those women who has devoted her life to her career and always believed, when the time was right, the man of my dreams would come along… hopefully in some “cute-meet” romantic comedy kind of way. What can I say? I wanted a great high-concept love story to share with my friends and family.
Well, it’s been over twenty years since I’ve been of “legal-age” to marry, and so far, HE has not come along. So, a little over a year ago, I decided to treat my desire for “a man to spend the rest of my life with,” the same way I went after my desires in my career. I set a goal (50 dates- hoping I’d meet him well before I’d met my goal) and created this blog to hold me accountable. I knew if I had an audience out there, I would keep going, even when the dating felt unbearable.
This morning, I was doing my morning mediation. I put on Deepak Chopra’s “Inspired Me.” Deepak instructed me, “Think for a moment about something I really wanted to happen, one of those times I was so connected to the outcome and passionate about the goal. Yet every step I took forward I experienced an obstacle, but I pressed on because my desire was so strong, but I just couldn’t shake the struggle.” I thought about a show I produced. Then he asked me to recall a situation in which I had a goal in mind and every action I took toward it was comfortable, effortless, easy, my inspiration was flowing and the doors just opened one after the other. When he finished describing this second situation, I realized that the show I’d produced fell into this second category, what he was looking for in the first was a goal that had not come to fruition easily, and didn’t feel comfortable, fun, inspired, yet it was a desire that I wouldn’t give up on.
I had to start over with a difficult goal. But every project I’ve worked on, every job I’ve had, felt wonderful, even the bumps led to better things, it’s as if a divine intervention was taking place making sure everything worked out. Could my life really be this wonderful? And then a little voice inside me said, “Then why is there still a place of emptiness?” That’s when it hit me like a punch in the gut. The answer to Deepak’s first question was my love life, the answer to his second was my career. So, I began the guided mediation again, using these two answers… and that’s when it go worse.
He then asked, “What was the difference between the two outcomes?” I was forcing the first. He pointed out, that forcing an outcome was like being stuck in traffic and moving from lane to lane, hoping that I’ll somehow get ahead of it. He then said that when we take action that is inspired it’s like driving a car freely on an open highway, effortlessly moving toward our desire. And here’s where it really got upsetting for me…
He said that our bodies give us cues through emotions, when we are forcing something or when we are in alignment with the universe. He continued that it is important that we understand these cues, that they are our road maps. “If it feels right, it is. If it feels uncomfortable in any way, it is.” And then he said it, “Sometimes we override those emotional cues or feelings in our bodies that tell us, we are taking a more difficult route, by forcing an outcome we desire.”
I started to cry. I’ve been on 13 of my 50 dates. Some guys I’ve dated a few times, one I even dated a few months, but the bottom line is: my gut told me I was taking the more difficult route on EVERY one. It’s one thing to feel nervous for a date, the typical “butterflies” that one gets when they are excited by possibility. But this was different. Not one of these dates have felt like I was getting into my car and driving down an open road. No, I was trying to weave in and out of traffic, and a few times I even had a fender bender… and let’s face it, one was a head on collision. But, I wouldn’t give up because I had a goal, and wonderful readers who were supporting me on my journey.
Now, Deepak has knocked the wind out of me and I don’t know what to do. Do I continue dating because if I keep going I could find “the one”? Or, do I just wait until the right one comes along? The former feels like I’m taking action and focusing on my desire. The later seems like falling into my old routine and waiting for something to magically happen, while I go about my life going to yoga, coaching, acting, writing, editing my videos in my “Apple Office.” My mom keeps telling me to wear makeup because I spend so much time working on my projects in the Apple Store that maybe I’ll meet a nice guy there (yes, I have the $99 personal training which allows me to spend hours there working in open training, and getting help from the creatives when I need it). On Friday, one of the Apple employees was surprised by her husband (an ex-Apple employee) who had enlisted and returned home from bootcamp earlier than expected to surprise her. The whole store watched, and teared up as the reuniting took place. People shot video on their iPhones, purchases stopped so buyers could watch, and the couple were in their own bubble of joy. It was so romantic. All of the employees knew their love story. One shared it with me, and it reminded me that I haven’t pursued a date since October. I was resolved to get back on the horse in January. But then Deepak punched me in the gut this morning and I don’t know what to do.
I need your help. I can’t solve a problem with the brain that created it, so I welcome your wisdom, your input, your advice, and most of all your love stories. I want to regain my faith in my happily ever after. So, if you would be so generous, share your love story. Was it love at first sight? Did you seek it out? Should I give up and wait for love to come along? Or do I keep pursuing it even if it means going through traffic because at any moment the jam can open up and it will be open highway? You can post your comments anonymously if you are willing to share, or if you know someone with a great love story, ask them to share it with me. New Years Eve has always been the toughest holiday for me to get through alone and I know your stories will help.
Thank you in advance and happy holidays! Wishing you a fabulous New Year’s kiss…
You can’t force it.
Much as I love to hear your stories they aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things, are they? You’re so connected to networking that it’s become a big part of your life so it makes sense you’d apply it to finding the perfect relationship.
What’d I say before? You can’t force it.
I keep hearing, “Be open to it.” “Just be yourself.” Are you being yourself when you’re blogging your dates? In any of the rom-coms has anyone been successful putting a formula to love or applying a business approach to dating? I know internet dating, and your 50 First Dates was sort of like that without the company’s formula, but we’re talking the rom-com aspect of your life here. ANYONE can Internet date. And I’ve already weighed in on that.
My first serious girlfriend was sophomore year in college. I saw her. Sitting on the steps of the English building and she was CUTE! I’d see her there twice a week for a couple of weeks. Found out later she was sitting there waiting for me to come by and even had her cheerleading jacket from high school folded on her lap so I could see her name. Totally missed that. I THINK we finally met at a party, maybe frat though we certainly weren’t frat people, when I saw her there and finally screwed up enough courage to speak to her. We dated beautifully until just before I graduated, she was a year behind me. I got senioritis like a son of a bitch. Freaking out about graduating and being forced out into the real world without a job, job prospects or a clue how to get a job in the arts.
I should have married her.
My other great relationship was with a woman I believed was my “soul mate.” I don’t believe there is such a thing anymore. We first me on a piece of shit low budget feature. I was the DP and she was the lead actress. I immediately liked her attitude. At the wrap party we talked and she sat on my lap. She liked me as well but was going through a separation from her husband. We went to dinner weeks later, had a great time then sat on the bank of the river. I said I’d like to be doing this when we were 65. I went back to NYC, she to Virginia. We never met up again but would talk on the phone at times. We both went through relationships. She’d always said she wanted to walk up to a set I was working on and ask to be taken to the “cameraman guy.” She would then sit on my lap when I was on the dolly, I guess to proclaim “the cameraman guy” was hers.
So when I started getting some steady camera work and I wasn’t in a relationship I called her to chat. She was free as well so we’d talk on the phone for hours just catching up, what’s going on and finally expressing how we though of each other. She came up to visit one day in November in 2000. It was glorious. We had a blast, she met my friends and they loved her and we started our love affair. Realize we lived 5-hours apart, has separate lives and she was still raising her kids.
She came up to Baltimore at Christmas, stayed with me in a guest house a friend has on the water where I stay as much as I can, (and which was dubbed the Love Shack afterwards), and we had a great time. We travelled to Florida when Celtic FC had winter camp there and she travelled back up to NYC for my birthday. Which was the best one of my life. My sister had planned a surprise party for me at a local pub. My girlfriend was in on it as well. They had my film buddies there, my film school buddies, the guys I grew up with in high school and my dad and his wife came up. Joni’s job was to get me there in an unsuspecting way and she did it beautifully. The best party of my life.
She came up again in the beginning of July. She’d gotten into a college program and was working hard at getting her kids out of high school and getting her own life started. Before she left she said we needed some time apart because we needed to work on stuff in our own lives.
I actually had a stabbing pain in my chest.
So my point in all this long winded bullshit is that I don’t believe you can force the issue. You have to be open and put yourself in the situations that you enjoy and see who shows up and if there’s a spark of any kind. Where you are happy and being your true self. When you’re doing what you love people grok it and you are much more attractive. They want a piece of that joy.
Like you would be good with a commercial real estate guy. Gimme a break!
I love rom-coms. But unless omitted dating someone I go by myself in the middle of the day. I don’t want anyone to see my weepy ass.
After all, I’m still a fukin’ biker.
Thanks, Ray. I love the details of your story. My sister just walked by me and asked, “What are you smiling at?” An F-in Biker who loves Rom Coms. You’re a catch!!
That’s a tough question. My best thought is to do activities that get you in crowds where you do meet new guys, but maybe not “forced dates.” Although I do love reading about them….
As for me, I actually met my one-and-only when I was a junior in college and it was a blind date. One of my sorority sisters set me up with the best friend of her honey (one of his frat brothers) because I’d recently broken up with someone else and sworn off dating for good. I was in a hell of a bad mood having to go out with this guy I’d never met…..a lifetime later, here we are.
First, I want to applaud you. Your willingness to make yourself vulnerable and expose this aspect of your life is a very rare, and refreshing quality. It is just one of the many things that make you such an amazing person, and I firmly believe that yes…one day your prince will come.
This post actually struck a very deep chord in me. While it doesn’t apply to my love life, (all is good there) I have been banging my head against the wall in another area of my life. Reading this has made me realize that I need to quit “pushing against the struggle” and let that aspect go. If it’s that much of a struggle, maybe somehow my subconscious mind knows that it’s not in my best interest in the long run. Thank you!!!! Your honesty helped me see the truth.
As to my story – it’s a bit of a long one. It started when I ended a bad marriage, and after a year, decided it was time to start dating again. For some reason, every date felt like a struggle….every person was wrong in profound ways. I dated men who cried on the first date, (and he only cried when he talked about his ex girlfriend’s teenage daughter….creepy), to men who bragged about cheating on their ex-spouse, to men who told me that they didn’t really have temper or drinking problems, it was always the women who “provoked” them. After a particularly bad first date with a guy I was sure was downright dangerous, I casually mentioned to a friend, “I surrender. I’m done with dating. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life, than be in a bad relationship”. Those were prophetic words. I did not have a single date for 5 years after I said that…..and there was a reason. Something inside me somehow knew that I was picking the wrong people, and I needed to fix that before entering a relationship. At the end of the 5 years, I moved to LA and started getting asked out a lot. It was like the flood gates opened. Hmmmm….maybe moving to LA was necessary for me to find the person I was supposed to be with?
I met my spouse through online dating, (yes, you read that right) and it wasn’t all fireworks and romance in the beginning. In fact, it was the opposite of previous relationships. Most of my other relationships were filled with romance and grand gestures in the beginning….until the flaws started showing up. This relationship started very slowly, almost more a friendship, but grew over time. The thing that struck me more than anything was that although the heart-pounding romance was not there in the beginning, there was always a comfort. It was almost a sense of peace. The relationship continued to grow steadily and still does, (we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this year).
I am in full agreement with Deepok. If it is that much of a struggle, then something is wrong. Perhaps there is some experience you need to have before you can meet “the one”. Maybe “the one” is living in a different city right now, and you won’t meet him till a few years down the road. Regardless….I do believe that sometimes the “struggle” feeling is telling you now is not the time. Let it go. Love yourself, and the love will come to you eventually. Just my 2 cents, and feel free to ignore it, but trust what your gut is telling you.
I met my husband when I was 21 years old–we’ve been together for about 16 years and married for 10 1/2 years, so I honestly don’t have much experience dating anyone but him, but I knew nearly from the moment I met him that we were a good match.
I think you fall in love when you are meant to fall in love. As long as you are out meeting people, you’ll be find. Just pay attention to yourself. When you feel a spark when you meet someone, that’s a clue. If you go on a date and there isn’t a spark, that’s also a clue. As Ray pointed out before, you can’t force it.
Follow your intuition and you’ll make the right decision.
Jessica, may I continue to lobby for your consideration of Ray? He keeps showing up here on your blog writing beautiful notes from the heart to you! As for me, my beloved and I were friends for several years through work before we ever became more serious. He is an expert pilot by avocation and I interviewed him about his hobby for the company newsletter. One of his first lines to me was, “You should learn to fly Mel. You’re full of piss and vinegar.” Ha! What a romantic eh? We laugh about that to this day! Also once you find your true love stick it out through good times and bad. You will grow much closer as the years roll by. Best of luck on your journey.
Mary Ellen Miller,
You’re very kind but I’m sure Jessie has her sights set just a bit higher than an old busted up biker. Thanks for the shout out, you’re very sweet.
All the best.
I feel for you! I was engaged when I was 21 and when that ended I dated a lot of guys in my 20s. I was looking for Mr Right again and didn’t have much luck. So I decide to stop looking, joined a hiking climb and a few months later met the love of my life on a cliff-face! I was 29 and we got married a few years later. We’ve been married 20 years.
So for me it happened when I stopped trying so hard and when I met someone that loved doing the same kind of stuff as me.
I don’t know if this helps or makes it’s harder for you….
Oh Jessica,
Your 50 Dates and the possibilities cannot be just walked away from – you never know. You definitely cannot just sit on a rock and wait for the prince to swing by.
What if some of the 50 Dates were met intentionally by being present at not only the Apple Store, but at other locations where you might intentionally spend some of your time. For example, where might you go in New York City to just happen to meet someone? Google the question. Just a thought.
I think you can’t force it but you shouldn’t shut yourself off either. Going on dates can be fun and if you’re going into it with no expectation other than to meet someone to hang out with and enjoy their company I think there’s your motivation. If you happen to find “the one” that’s great but maybe focusing so intently on it has taken away some of the enjoyment of just spending time meeting people.
Just be the wonderful person you are and enjoy the experiences life offers you.
I love your date posts Jessica but would also encourage you to allow and be and not push. I would love to read about some of your dates with yourself – your journey to becoming the women you would want to date and to read about the people you meet along the way of becoming the fullest expression of your uniqueness. Perhaps do some day trips, venture to new cities and be open to meeting people outside your current boundaries.
As a firm believer in self reflection and growth, I recommend doing some inner soul searching about what you really want and who you need to be to attract it. I’ve found a really great book (recommended by several friends who have friends who swear by it and have attracted “the one”). The name of the book is “Why wait? Create Your Soul Mate Now!” There are some really great self-reflective exercises and the book is small but powerful. I’m working through the exercises myself right now and have already noticed a big transformation in me. Let me know what you think and I’ll keep you posted on my results. 🙂