“I’d stand in front of your house with a boom box, but I don’t know where you live. I know where you’ll be on Saturday so maybe I’ll show up with it there,” said Bohdi. “In that case, I’d better carry a pen with me,” I replied. It’s too late for a grand gesture.
Bohdi and I dated two months. I wrote about 3 of our dates, but we saw each other a lot in the first month, not so much in the second. I told him a week and a half ago, I was feeling disconnected, I thoughtfully and clearly expressed what I needed in order to feel like we were moving forward. If that meant that he only wanted to see me once a week, that was fine, I told him. I just wanted to manage my expectations because we’d started out so intensely. I guess I caught him off guard, because he got really defensive, even accused me of “changing on him so quickly.” I hadn’t changed, I was just communicating that I was feeling badly, missing him, and I wanted to understand if his feelings had changed. And if they hadn’t I wanted to get on the same page for getting back on track. He was so frustrated with me for bringing it up that he accused me of being “another thing to add to his list of things going wrong.” I told him I didn’t want to be another burden on him, quite the opposite, I wanted to be something great in his life. Then I got off the phone, not feeling any better, but willing to give him a chance to see if after he thought about it, maybe he’d make an effort… he didn’t.
Being alone for many years it’s easy to get into a routine and when you start dating someone it may be hard for some people to break their routine. I felt like he had his life exactly the way he wanted it and was trying to shove me into it. Everything we did, except the two dates I planned, was with his friends. It’s like I was cast in a film with a group of strange actors and it was our job to be long time friends. Only it wasn’t an acting job, it was real, and I was uncomfortable. From my perspective, I was being respectful of the life he’d created, so I spent the time with his friends and family, but I wanted him to make some time to ask me out, to do things alone, so we could get to know each other and find out if I belonged shoved into his lifestyle. So, I waited…
He still wasn’t asking me to make plans. He’d say things like, “Everybody’s going on the boat Saturday, and Sunday I like to fish, and I’ll be working out 4 nights a week and Thursday I have my game… (long pause) and you’re welcome to join.”
I DON’T WANT TO BE ‘WELCOME TO JOIN” I want to be invited. I want to be called up and asked, “Jessica, would you like to come out on the boat Saturday?” I’m not a buddy who is welcome to come along. I don’t want an open invitation. I want to know I’m wanted!
Look, maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me as much if there weren’t other seeds of doubt. We were incompatible in many ways, ways that were not important to point out to him, because he wasn’t going to change, and he doesn’t need to. Neither of us are wrong in our ways, our ways are just wrong together. In other words, he’s a great guy, just not great for me.
And yes, it made me sad, that while we were breaking up, he pointed out that it was raining and it was Valentine’s Day, and it was just like a scene from a movie that I would like. It goes to show, that he does have an idea of what I like but he wasn’t willing to risk putting his heart on the line to get closer to me. Believe me, I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t enjoy feeling sad and disappointed, but I do because I let myself like him. I got emotionally involved, I showed affection, I did my best to communicate with him, and that’s what must be done if a relationship is going to work. I’m looking for the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, so I’m all in. I’m putting my heart on the line. If a first date doesn’t feel right, I move on. But if it does feel right I’m going to go for it full throttle, learning from my past mistakes, clear on what I want, and not settling for less.
When I wrote about our last date at the Miami Heat game, a guy left a comment saying I was shallow because all I talked about was the game and not my feelings for the guy. ‘Shallow,’ would not be a word that anyone who knows me would use to describe me, and yet, this stranger’s comment stung.
At the point where I invited Bohdi to the game (that was part of the problem, our last two dates were ones I planned not him), our relationship was already strained. I’m torn about sharing my feelings about a guy I’m dating in a blog. While I don’t want to appear shallow writing about the fun stuff I’m doing and the romance, I also want to respect the guys’ feelings. I don’t think it’s fair for you, my loyal reader to know how I’m feeling about a guy before he does. And even if I did tell him, and then shared it with you, I worry that I’ll scare off my future “Mr. Right” because he’d be afraid I’m going to blog his dirty laundry. If you don’t agree, feel free to let me know in the comments below.
I think it’s fair that we compromise. I share the surface fun stuff. I share all of my positive feelings. If I’m falling in love, I’ll let you know, maybe even before “he” knows. This blog is meant for your entertainment and my accountability, because if it weren’t for you, being out there, reading this and waiting for date number 6, I’d probably wallow in self pity thinking, it’s not worth feeling like this and not go on another date for 2 years. But I promised to go on 50 dates (unless I find “Mr. Right” before then.) So, time to put on my Big Girl Dress, and get back out there… Well, maybe I can be sad for a few days, first.
Hi Jess. I was in a similar situation almost 2 years ago. Started off great, and then the guy just wasn’t available emotionally (or sexually, for that matter) for the kind of relationship I needed. And it hurted like heck, because I had finally allowed myself to fall in love, deeper than I had let myself in many, many years.
But he only wanted to get together once or twice a week. I guess I feel that a young romance should have a little more heat and desire than a casual once a week thing, (even though we were exclusive) and I felt like I was starving. And he was perfectly content.
I asked myself if this was what I really wanted, and my answer was no. And I still broke my heart into a million different pieces, anyway.
The good news is… I eventually ended up meeting, and committing to, the most wonderfully available, affectionate, fun, sexy, generous, entertaining, thoughtful, romantic guy. Who cooks, travels, builds stuff, writes stuff, plays guitar and teaches Kabbalah. Someone who calls me every day and comes over just to kiss my face. He has those qualities I liked in that other guy, but with the warmth and sensuality and enthusiasm I need to feel loved and happy. We just celebrated 6 months.
So… good call, Jess. The hurting part sucks. And saying no to what won’t make you happy is totally worth it in the end.
Love,
Morgana
xoxo
Jess,
Perhaps you keep looking to the wrong movies. While I think it is important to let these guys attempt to give you the perfect rom-com romance, I do need to remind you that other genres exists. To quote Lethal Weapon, you are “getting to old for this shit”. Sometimes you just need to let the wind take you. Check out one of my favorites, if you can find it, Joe versus the Volcano. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan at their best. Some things are better out of your control. Just lets the wind take you and always travel with really good luggage.
Jessica, This is such a heart felt, deep expression of what you are going through that it connects me to my heart.
I do feel that it is possible to share yourself, your heart on the blog and not compromise your date. I said shallow because of the lack of togetherness I felt from your blog. Me, being a man, would thoroughly enjoy you sharing the time we are having together. The funny, romantic and comical things that occur on a date. Even the difficulties, disagreements and arguments. From what I just have read I can tell you are an intelligent and discerning woman. If a man agrees to go beyond the first date with you and communicates with you, this can be a fun and growthful endeavor. Maybe even open the experience of being together to a deeper level. I do feel, from this piece you just shared, that you would not embarrass or compromise the man you are with. On the contrary, you would probably raise the man, raise the relationship.
Good luck Jessica. However, I dont think you need luck. You sound like an incredible, depthful woman on a journey. My your journey lead you to everything you want.
JS-
You did nothing wrong.
Some guys just aren’t ready the same time you are. You’re smart for knowing what you want and leaving when you don’t have it. I’m most impressed that you still put yourself completely out there and are honest with your feelings. It gets hard to do when the scar tissue builds up. Keep at it, beauty.
As for the blog thing; ya gotta figure every dated guy is reading the blog through before hand and afterward so I agree that you not post feelings that are too personal or critical. You’re a smart woman.
Keep fighting the good fight for all us lapsed romantics.
Ahhh sigh I have nothing to add except to say I love your heartfelt honesty and I look forward to reading about you putting on your Big Girl Dress, and getting back out there when you’re ready!
Sorry to hear about the Valentine’s Day breakup, but after your description about “you can join in” I have to agree, he’s not Mr. Right.
Sorry to hear about the break-up and that you’re sad…but good for you for being strong. I totally agree with this: “I want to know I’m wanted!”
Sorry to hear you’re sad. It does sound like he isn’t Mr. Right, though. I can totally understand that you would want to be invited out. When you do find Mr. Right, he will make you feel wanted and not like an “after thought.”
As far as what to post here, I say post what you feel comfortable posting. I enjoy reading about your dates and I look forward to hearing about your next one–when you’re ready.
Jessica,
You have an image of what you are looking for, I am certain you will find it.
You want more than the guy. You want the relationship in a way you have
in your thoughts and dreams. Good luck on your journey. You are wonderful.
He will be lucky to find you.
Bummer about the Valentine’s day breakup. Sorry to hear you’re sad too 🙁 Hopefully this just means that now you’re open to a new fabulous man who may come sweep you off your feet very soon!
Love how you are holding yourself accountable to getting what you truly want. And for that guy who left that comment – remember, he doesn’t know know the real you.