A title with three seemingly random topics, yet, they are all intricately intertwined, and all add to the only part of dating that I consider humiliating–
Online dating.
I HATE IT!!! In fact, every person I speak to who does it, says, “I’ve had it with these losers, tomorrow I am taking my profile down.” And every person I know who hasn’t done it in a while says, “Might try Match 1 LAST time!!!!!!” (and that was a direct quote from a text, though I won’t reveal my source). And everyone who marries someone they met online says, “I swear, my membership was about to end and I wasn’t going to renew, and on the last day she reached out to me.”
Being the romantic that I am, I always get suckered in by the later. Perhaps I should join a membership site for three months and not go on until the 90th day.
There is an eerie feeling that I get when I’m online dating, that wherever I go men are looking at me differently, kinda like, “Hey… isn’t that the girl from Match.com? It’s a weird look, a mix of “I know personal stuff about you,” and “Bitch! Why didn’t you write me back?”
On Wednesday, my paranoia was confirmed. I went out line dancing with some friends and a 60+ year-old-man was giving me the weird look. I turned in the other direction but he walked up to me and said, “I’m Tony,” and shook my hand with strong conviction. I told him my name. He started making small talk, then said goodbye to my relief.
Ten minutes later he came back. “Jessica!” he said.
“That’s my name,” I replied.
“I bet you don’t remember mine,” he challenged. I told him I wouldn’t take that bet. “Come on, there’s a breakfast cereal character named after me.”
“Ah, Tony.” I obliged him.
“You’re good at guessing.”
“I’m grrrrrrrrrreat!” I said, using full Tony the Tiger arm gesture in the hopes he would think I was a goofball and go away.
“I recognize you from Plenty of Fish,” he smiled mischievously giving me that eery feeling.
At this point, I’d had enough. “You’re on POF? Good luck with that.” I said, and turned back to my friends.
It’s bad enough when people you don’t know recognize you. But one of the main reasons I have avoided Match this time around, is because I’ve finally been in town long enough, that while looking though the profiles (they let you take a sneak peek without joining) I spotted at least 20 local guys I know, none of whom I’d date, and all of whom I fear would write to me if they saw me on there.
And what made the whole online dating even more disconcerting was while reading some of their profiles I uncovered lie after lie after lie. But, how do you really judge an online profile. What’s worse, flat out lying like the one guy who claims to be a “social drinker” and is actually a fall down drunk raging alcoholic, and physically violent toward women when he is. I’ve suffered a few black and blues just being around him when he’s drunk, OR misrepresentation by omission?
Take me for example. I can’t tell you how many guys have read my profile and told me I seem like the perfect woman. And I suppose I am… if the only criteria was what I offered in my profile. But what if the guy likes a woman who does typical “women stuff?” Then I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect.
Take for example exhibit A: My mom taught me to do laundry before I went to college, so I’ve been doing it for a long time. And yet, just four days ago, I washed my favorite pair of white knock-around baggy pants, that hung perfectly on my hips, revealing the ab lines
Exhibit A
I’ve worked for since I was 18… and now they’re pink.. PINK! So here it is– I can’t do laundry! I can’t cook! I can’t sew! I kill everything I plant, even Pothos plants which can apparently live on bong water and cigarette butts! I don’t like decorating! I don’t like shopping! And I’m a raging workaholic (though I am really working on the last one, the others.. not a shot).
Are me and my pink pants equally as bad as the guy who puts up a profile pic from 1989? Or the guy who claims to be 48 when he’s really 57? Or the guy who says he’s 6′ when he’s 5’3… did he think I wouldn’t notice? I mean fudge an inch, but 9 inches? Dude, I said I was 5’4″ in my profile, in flats I’d be looking down at you. That’s a noticeable height lie, and I specifically said that height was not a deal breaker, so if you’d told the truth, I wouldn’t have cared. But having a pathological liar for an ex, (which I left out of my profile) has left me wary of someone who leads with a lie.
Which leads me back to my online profile dilemma. This is my third time online dating and the first two times did not go well, so I need your advice. Am I technically lying by omission if I’m only sharing my very best, most celebrated qualities? Do I need to add a little frame of reference for the full spectrum that I bring to the table? Give it to me straight loyal readers, as I wait to discover who will be date #7…
“Am I technically lying by omission if I’m only sharing my very best, most celebrated qualities?”
I think a lot of match people do that, they leave the surprises for in person.
I WOULD NOT omit, however, deal-breakers. For example, don’t put ‘no way’ under ‘smoking’ if you do. (I’m pretty sure you don’t, I’m just saying).
Me, I get really upset at this stuff – for example, height. You’ve got all these five foot 3 guys saying they are 5’10”. I AM FIVE TEN. So what do I put? If I put 5’10”, women think I’m short and bypass my profile.
*sigh*
I’ve had people tell me my pictures were taken ten years ago. Nope, all recent. I’ve been tempted to adjust my age down – it would work, but would prefer not to start things off with a fib.
This woman I dated last year from OKC once told me to put as little as possible in your profile. Maybe that works, I’ve emailed a few women that had completely blank profiles, but guys are typically visual. So if the idea is to get someone to the table so you can grope them on the first date, well, a blank profile with a good picture would work. It worked with me, I dated her for 2 months 🙂
I’ve always been 100% honest, although there’s a few things I haven’t told people right off the bad. Should I discuss that I get kidney stones in my profile? Somehow, I think not 🙂
I’d NEVER mention that I still have my Bugle Boy cargo pants. People would think I’m a pack rat.
oops.
I think the tough part is – we all have baggage. A guy at work said “everyone is damaged at our age, you just have to decide if you can put up with hers”. I like to think of it as you may meet someone with an amazing redeeming quality. You really shouldn’t mention all of the ‘bad stuff’ if it isn’t a deal breaker (like smoking is), if it’s something someone can live with it. They may find your positive qualities outweigh the other stuff – for them.
There will be women that actually have more negative things than you have, that get a guy that bypassed your profile. He won’t ever know you were better because he skipped over you.
Now, that’s a cynical view. I figure I’d rather know most everything, then I can craft a carefully worded email that described everything we had in common and celebrated our completeness. I found out the hard way – that doesn’t work 🙂 it’s a numbers game, I have to shot-gun out hundreds of emails to hope to get one hit. You women GET hundreds of emails, few of which are a hit.
So my guess is if you omit some things, you’ll get more emails, then you can pick and choose. On the other hand, if you DO mention things, you’ll get the guys that do read and aren’t judgmental. Then again, the latter hasn’t worked for me 🙂
== John ==
P.S. Kidney stones just mean I have to drink a lot of water. Haven’t had any problem passing them, not that I’m saying the plumbing is especially outstanding.
If you must go back to internet dating; good luck. I tried it a couple times and it was worthless. No one has anything at stake in online dating. If I ask you out at a bar or dinner party, I have to first screw up my courage to do it and prepare for the answer. So merely by speaking to you in person means I think you’re pretty special to begin with. Otherwise, why would I risk the rejection. I may try flirting to see if you may be interested before I bare myself by directly asking you out. Can’t do that online.
And where’s the romance, really?
THAT said, I don’t think you should put too much information into your profile. It’s not lying by omission. You’re not applying for a job here, though I feel many online think they are. Keep some mystery about your own self. Be minimalist. We’re drawn to the physical initially. Wether it’s the shape of the head, (I tend toward the heart shaped), or the light in your eyes, (my personal #1 attraction point), and your smile. It’s your photo that will draw a man in. Then he can explore and get to know you. Make him invest something into the courtship, for fuks sake. If he doesn’t put the effort in, drop ’em.
When I was working on LAW & ORDER a good friend on the crew told me how to make online dating work. This is the guy’s perspective, understand. We traditionally do the asking. It must be different for girls. But this may give you most guys’ tack. He said to contact 9 to 12 women. Four to 6 women you’ve contacted may reply. Possibly one to three women who’ve replied, you will actually meet in person, for coffee or lunch or a trip to a museum, some introductory meeting. And if you’re lucky you may see ONE of them again for a real date. So the strategy is to contact 8 to 12 women every couple of weeks. Or days. To improve your chances. I guess like batting practice. So you need to be juggling a number of women in the hopes one will work out for awhile.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t play the odds. I didn’t want to turn it into a game, or a science. Besides, the women didn’t seem to be taking it all too seriously either.
To answer your question, I think you should leave them wanting more. You’re worth it. Right?
I’m of absolutely no use to you about online dating. Personally, I would hate it, I think. But since I’ve been married all my life (just about) I’ve totally no clue. 🙁
I didn’t have much success myself with online dating, and won’t be trying again any time soon. However, you asked for feedback – I agree with some of the comments here – put your best face forward, include the absolute deal breakers and then see what happens. I applaud your courage!